I loved the TV show "The Middle." For years it was part of my family's Wednesday night routine. The characters were so relatable. You could look at your own kids and pinpoint your Axel, Sue, and Brick...or at least those who had Axel, Sue, and Brick moments! And, I'm sure I was just like Frankie on many occasions.
For a parent with a child away at college other kids on the threshold of independence the series finale of "The Middle" struck a chord. My heart broke along with the characters as the family realized things were changing for good. (Note: I specifically used the word "good." Change can be difficult, but it is not necessarily bad.)
Here's my situation: My daughter attends a large university in the South. She is interning at a Southern company and will likely settle down 500+ miles from home when she graduates college. My son will be a senior in high school next year. He will likely attend community college and live at home for a few years before leaving. Since he was raised in the South, it's likely that he will return to warmer climes when given the opportunity. My youngest is a rising 7th grader. He will be at home for at least the next 6 years. Where he will end up is anyone's guess.
The gradual emptying of the nest has begun.
When we moved to Michigan, we knew that my daughter would never live with us again. Still, we purchased a large 4 bedroom house and chose to designate a bedroom just for her. She enjoys her bedroom for 3 weeks at Christmas, a few days in the fall, a few days in the spring, and, if we're lucky, a month+ in the summer. The truth is that her life is no longer at home with us; it's in the South. Sigh.
As much as I hate having her gone, I know it is the way it should be. We raise our kids with the goal of them being independent, moving out, and starting their own adult lives. Goodness knows, it's what we did.
So what do we do once our kids leave the nest?
There are a lot of articles out there with tips on what to do. I follow "Grown and Flown" on Facebook. Many great articles. Here's what I've learned:
1. It's OK to feel sad. A major phase of your life - and likely your identity - is ending. Mourn that loss, but don't dwell on it. Yes, life with your child will be different. But remember different doesn't mean bad. Note: If your sadness is severe or unrelenting, seek professional help.
2. Remember you are not done parenting. Just because your child doesn't live at home, doesn't mean that your role as parent is done. No sir. Your child still needs your guidance and support about jobs, relationships, purchasing a home, raising kids, etc. Learn to communicate in their language, i.e. Snapchat, Instagram, text messages, Facetime, Facebook, etc.
3. Think about your needs. For the past 20+ years your focus has been on your kids: Their health, their eduction, their activities. Now you can focus on your needs. You are not being selfish; this is your time. Volunteer, take an art class, travel, learn a new sport, get in shape, go back to work...there is no right or wrong answer here.
4. Downsize. For some, a large empty house can be depressing. It can also be expensive and a lot of work. Talk with your family to determine whether downsizing to a smaller property would be appropriate. If you do opt to downsize, enlist your children when getting rid of stuff. They may be interested in it, or you may discover that the toy, chair, lamp, etc. that you've been hanging on to for sentimental reasons really isn't important to them.
Everyone deals with change differently. You might not be flustered when your kids all move out, or you may be a complete wreck. Take care of yourself and keep in mind that according to the Chicago-based TrendSight Group, women are happiest and most content between the ages of 50-70 because they feel liberated.
Love your kids. Enjoy your freedom. You've earned it!
Note: This was originally published on my real estate blog, "Sarah Sell My House."
For a parent with a child away at college other kids on the threshold of independence the series finale of "The Middle" struck a chord. My heart broke along with the characters as the family realized things were changing for good. (Note: I specifically used the word "good." Change can be difficult, but it is not necessarily bad.)
Here's my situation: My daughter attends a large university in the South. She is interning at a Southern company and will likely settle down 500+ miles from home when she graduates college. My son will be a senior in high school next year. He will likely attend community college and live at home for a few years before leaving. Since he was raised in the South, it's likely that he will return to warmer climes when given the opportunity. My youngest is a rising 7th grader. He will be at home for at least the next 6 years. Where he will end up is anyone's guess.
The gradual emptying of the nest has begun.
When we moved to Michigan, we knew that my daughter would never live with us again. Still, we purchased a large 4 bedroom house and chose to designate a bedroom just for her. She enjoys her bedroom for 3 weeks at Christmas, a few days in the fall, a few days in the spring, and, if we're lucky, a month+ in the summer. The truth is that her life is no longer at home with us; it's in the South. Sigh.
As much as I hate having her gone, I know it is the way it should be. We raise our kids with the goal of them being independent, moving out, and starting their own adult lives. Goodness knows, it's what we did.
So what do we do once our kids leave the nest?
There are a lot of articles out there with tips on what to do. I follow "Grown and Flown" on Facebook. Many great articles. Here's what I've learned:
1. It's OK to feel sad. A major phase of your life - and likely your identity - is ending. Mourn that loss, but don't dwell on it. Yes, life with your child will be different. But remember different doesn't mean bad. Note: If your sadness is severe or unrelenting, seek professional help.
2. Remember you are not done parenting. Just because your child doesn't live at home, doesn't mean that your role as parent is done. No sir. Your child still needs your guidance and support about jobs, relationships, purchasing a home, raising kids, etc. Learn to communicate in their language, i.e. Snapchat, Instagram, text messages, Facetime, Facebook, etc.
3. Think about your needs. For the past 20+ years your focus has been on your kids: Their health, their eduction, their activities. Now you can focus on your needs. You are not being selfish; this is your time. Volunteer, take an art class, travel, learn a new sport, get in shape, go back to work...there is no right or wrong answer here.
4. Downsize. For some, a large empty house can be depressing. It can also be expensive and a lot of work. Talk with your family to determine whether downsizing to a smaller property would be appropriate. If you do opt to downsize, enlist your children when getting rid of stuff. They may be interested in it, or you may discover that the toy, chair, lamp, etc. that you've been hanging on to for sentimental reasons really isn't important to them.
Everyone deals with change differently. You might not be flustered when your kids all move out, or you may be a complete wreck. Take care of yourself and keep in mind that according to the Chicago-based TrendSight Group, women are happiest and most content between the ages of 50-70 because they feel liberated.
Love your kids. Enjoy your freedom. You've earned it!
Note: This was originally published on my real estate blog, "Sarah Sell My House."
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